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Diamond Hymie? ![]() If you look up David Lee Roth on jewhoo.com, a database website of famous Jews (no, I'm not kidding), the curator has himself a kvetch about people continually checking to see what "everybody already knows," which is that Roth is a lantzman. Today I am here to have a kvetch of my own: if David Lee Roth is the world's most renowned circumcised rock star, something is terribly wrong in the universe; may the moyl that cut him be consigned to an eternity of listening to Jackie Mason performances. We, the Hebrews, beloved and embraced the world over, most notably by Aryans and Arabs, have graced the world with such musical menschim as Bob Dylan, Phil Ochs, Randy Newman, Joey Ramone, Lou Reed, Perry Farrell and Richard Hell. Okay, so we're also responsible for Kenny G., Michael Bolton, Neil Diamond and Richard Marx, but yin/yang is nothing but a philosophy that the Buddha who I understand came from Yemeni stock appropriated from Kabbalah. Anyway, even though I'm much too lazy to indulge in anything resembling investigative journalism to get to the heart of the matter, I would put forth the proposition that Roth isn't really a Jew at all. The evidence is clear: ![]()
Even if Roth didn't claim to be a Jew, I'd have a hard time with him. I couldn't stomach his "ain't I adorable" fancy boy shtick with Van Halen and it only grew worse once he went solo and started ruining perfectly good Louie Prima and Beach Boys tunes. I cannot tolerate the baseless high regard in which he holds himself, and it is he, perhaps more than any other rock star, who personified the Hairspray Metal Problem that afflicted this otherwise great nation in the '80s. Once Roth rather quickly became irrelevant, his attempted comeback in the early '90s was among the most embarrassing makeovers ever witnessed, as he scrubbed up his person and image in a transparent endeavor to become an MOR pop-rock guy not so far removed from, er, Michael Bolton. I still suffer nightmares about his contemporary appearance on the "Today" show, rife with innocuously witty banter.
Gone is the bombastic, grandiose fluff-metal we've come to expect from this guy, largely replaced by seriously fine musicianship and a new vocal style that is surprisingly dare I say it? deep and soulful. Questions of theological identity aside, I must report the truth, for this is what I'm paid to do, and David Lee Roth has belatedly made an album that's really, honestly damned good, whether the vibrating ben-wa balls remain embedded up his quivering starfish or not. But Diamond Dave, the next time you decide to blow off an interview, best to remember that it's unwise to piss off a writer for a rabble-rousing Communist homosexual newspaper with free reign to say anything he chooses. Especially a truly Jewish one.
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